The wait is over.

To those of you who were anxiously waiting..
Anyone? haha

Annnnnnnnd, of course I'm not pregnant. Per usual. My period came yesterday and was all, "Hey, remember when you really wanted to have a baby? TOO BAD."
I'm not sure what I'm going to next. Spencer leaves really, really soon. So I'm not sure if were even going to have time to try again.

Until then I get to deal with the emotions of failing yet again.
I just feel like I have all this love to give to a baby, but no chance to give it.
I get so angry every time someone complains about their duties of motherhood. Those things you take for granted, Ive been praying for every day. I'm so emotionally exhausted. I have no idea how people do this for 10 plus years. I hope that doesn't become part of my story... I hope my story doesn't keep defining me.
I'm supposed to be 10 weeks pregnant right now. Almost out of my first trimester. I was supposed to be happy..

My head is a jumbled mess of emotions and fears.

And right now, that's all I've got.

And now, we wait.

Last Wednesday's appointment DID bring good news.
Diane is still being worthless, but thank God I have a left ovary!


Two week wait, we meet again.


I'm going to try and stay positive the next several days. Part of me doesn't want to even have a glimmer of hope, because theres always the chance that what happened last time, will happen again. Or nothing will happen at all.
All I can think about is..

Will this all have been worth it..

Who knows if it will. Only time will tell, but at the end of the day I guess its all worth it really. This whole mess is apart of my journey, and my story that has yet to be finished. I'm not even sure if I really believe that, but I'm trying to!

I stumbled across this song earlier today, and I cant lie. Its made me sob like a baby. Its really beautiful though!

Sooo uhhhh. Listen to it!!

I totally intended for this post to be a lot wittier, but it's my day off and Hulu is winning the battle for my attention!!

Anyways, heres the song. Maybe my next post will be a happy one!! Prayers, and positive energy is greatly appreciated!!

Jealousy is a sickness

When you see a very obviously pregnant woman, or a newborn baby, what do you think? If you're like most people, the word "awwww" immediately comes to mind. Unless of course you just finished the horrors of pregnancy, and popped out your own little screaming miracle, in which case I'm sure all you feel is sympathy in your sleepless haze..

Me?

I physically get angry. Like, name calling, crazy person mad. It's not even normal. Then again, not much about me really is!

I've even deleted my Facebook for a day or two because I couldn't handle reading about my friends bulging bellies, and whether their babies were growing fingernails this week or not. 

I'm very, very, clearly jealous. And the only antidote I can think of is my own little parasite, making me violently ill and crave crazy food. 

And with that were back to Diane. 

I had another hot a steamy date with "Bert" on Sunday. It was very romantic, we ate pasta and took a long walk on the beach.

Actually he awkwardly told me to take off my pants and then wore me like a puppet for five minutes. Too graphic?

Whoops.

After any date, you go home and anxiously wait by your phone!! 

Five hours or so after my appointment, the nurse called me and let me know that things were still, "quiet."

AKA, Diane is still bein a bitch!! 

Now we are on four more days of injections. Hopefully Wednesday we get good news!! 

My body has plenty of eggs, it's just clearly stingy and doesn't like to give them up!! So to the five people reading this (one I'm sure being my mom) any positive vibes, prayers, or baby dust you've got, Ill take it!!!!

This post might be kind of pointless, but I figured if I'm going to share my story, I might as well share it as its happening.

Thank you to the couple of people who have reached out to me, and have read the, what I hope is beginning of my journey! It makes this feel more like an actual blog, and less like a "sad handwritten book."

Ehhhh! See what I did there!! ;) 

(I awkwardly feel like I should say that I was quoting Bridesmaids)

*nervous laugh*

K byeeee! 

A post that slightly resembles a novel..

So.

I've actually been thinking about this for awhile now. I originally created this blog for makeup, cool crafts, and nail tips...

Then I got a job and got lazy haha.

Therefore this blog has really been neglected. 

However...

There have been some events in my life (some recent, some not so recent) that I really haven't had a place to talk and or vent about. Part of me is kind of worried about what people will think or say, so I probably wont post any links to this on Facebook. So if you follow me on here (all three of you haha) then you can read all the madness!! If not, then this is just a space for me to get all of my thoughts out on metaphorical paper. 

I'm not exactly subtle about the fact that I want a baby more than anything. What I don't share with many is the reasons WHY I don't have one, or the steps that I've taken to get where I want to be. Maybe because its a little embarrassing, maybe its because I'm tired of people telling me I'm, "too young" and "not to worry!" Maybe those things are true. I don't know. But what I do know, is this is whats right for my husband and I. And at the end of the day, thats really all that matters.

 

Back story...

Spencer and I have been trying to conceive for over two years now. I have been seeing an infertility specialist for about 18 months (give or take a deployment or a field training exercise or two.) I have had more people look at my crotch region than Id care to discuss (for medical purposes of course hahaha)

And what all this testing has shown us is, that I'm not just crazy, well in this scenario at least. I do actually have, "a problem"

I have PCOS. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I'll spare you my terrible explanation of the whole thing, but basically its a hormonal imbalance that comes with lots of fun side effects. Weight gain, painful cysts on your ovaries, facial hair (mustache anyone?), and you guessed it. Trouble conceiving. 

I have done multiple cycles with Clomid *an ingestible medication used to make you ovulate*, some with steroids (that made me a peach to be around) some without. So many in fact, that my Dr. says that I have, "exhausted all medical efforts with the drug." 

I know, it really doesn't sound that terrible. And really, it could be worse. But I will tell you that having an..ahem...internal ultrasound with a bushy eyebrowed man, slightly resembling Bert from the Sesame Street duo every week, isn't my favorite thing in the entire world. 

January of last year comes around, and the pressures on. Spencer was set to deploy the following month, and if we were going to get pregnant before he left, it had to be then!

Side note, when you're TTCing *trying to conceive* you become a little addicted to taking pregnancy tests. Especially when you're like me, and never get your period on your own you think, "Yea, I'm probably pregnant!! I coughed three times yesterday, and wanted to eat a lot of soup. That's a symptom of pregnancy right?! BETTER TEST!"

Needless to say, those aren't symptoms. And basically at the end of the day, I just play really really mean mind tricks on my mind..

Back to the story..

So I once again had decided I would take a pregnancy test!! When I came back in the room....

It was positive. 

I swear I almost died. All I could do was call for Spencer to come look to make sure I wasn't crazy. He saw it too, so I scheduled a blood test.

False positives are like what... 1% likely?

I'm that lucky.

No really. I should play the lottery.

I was not pregnant. And had looked stupid in the process. I hoped and prayed that maybe they mixed up by blood results!! But many more tests showed the same conclusion. My uterus was vacant. 

I was completely crushed. My husband was about to leave me for six months, and I couldn't even get this one thing right before he left. 

As time went on I got over it. I used the six months we were apart as a break for my body, and really focused on working out every day and eating right. I even lost 20 pounds! By the time he came home I wasn't even thinking that much about getting pregnant. But like that nagging dream in the back of your mind, the urge came back. It was time for me to go back to my specialist, and begin treatment again. I really wasn't even sure if I wanted to deal with the entire process again. People always say, "You're so lucky! Trying is the funnest part!" 

But thats not exactly true when every hormone you make is monitored, and your love life is on a schedule. 

I did it anyways. Spencer and I both want this, so I sucked it up, and decided to go round two with infertility! I would beat the bitch this time!!

February came. I ACTUALLY ovulated! I felt like my child had won the spelling bee. I was so proud. I thought for sure that this would be it!! 

When going through infertility treatments, after you ovulate you  have to wait two weeks to find out if you're pregnant or not. They call it the two week wait, and it is terrible. 

I waited, and waited as each day went by. With every little thing my body did, I would google it to see if it was a pregnancy symptom. (I  told you, I really like to, for the lack of a better word, mindfuck myself..)

I had made it to 10 DPO (days past ovulation) I was almost there!! 

And then..

My period came.

I was crushed. I had always thought that if only I could get my stupid body to ovulate things would happen! 

My sister-in-law/best friend and I lovingly call my right ovary Diane, and always talk about how lazy she is, and how she never does anything right. 

If I could just get Diane to stop being a bitch, life would be great. Thats all I needed. 

This was all too clear that, that was not the case.

I spent a few days crying in bed, but eventually decided to get up, and try this thing again.

What was next on the agenda?

Injectables.

Thats right. I would have to start giving myself a shot. 

Little fact that you probably don't know about me. I am TERRIFIED of needles. My dad still makes fun of the fact that the first time I had my blood drawn, nurses and doctors from the office I was at, looked all around for the car crash victim I was so hysterical.

Its not fun.

But again, this is something Spencer and I want. If I have to stab myself in the stomach every day for awhile, but get a baby in the end, I don't care. I'll do it.

You should have seen me the first time. I paced back and forth in my kitchen for a good 40 min crying and telling myself, "You can do it! You can do it!! No you cant. You cant do it." My poor husband was so patient, and even took a sterile need and stuck himself to show me it wasn't that bad.

I worked up the courage, and did it. And he was right. I didn't even feel it. Every day I got more and more confident. Im practically a professional now.

April comes, and things go on like this, for 16 days. Oh, and don't let me forget to mention I got to have a hot date with "Bert" every four days.

The day had finally come. I had not one, but TWO huge follicles!! That meant that soon, I was going to ovulate again. I was cautiously optimistic. 

It was time for Spencer to go to FTX (a field training they do every year before deployment) for a month, and he would come back and I would either be pregnant, or not pregnant.

The day that I was due to test was Mothers Day. I told myself that this would either end up being the worst day in the entire world, or the best.

I took my test. 

It was positive. Now, my body likes to be an a-hole and trick me. So I took three more, one being a digital. I was pregnant. 

I decided I wasn't going to tell Spencer until he got home. I went to the doctor and had it confirmed, I was around 4 weeks pregnant. I couldn't hold it in. I told more people than I should have, but I didn't care. This was the single greatest thing that has ever happened to me!!

When you get pregnant, they do a blood test and check your "BETA levels." As long as the HCG hormone in my blood doubled within the next 48 hours, things looked good. 

They didn't.

They increased by 20.

They told me that, that wasn't a good sign. And I of course went to google to tell me my fate. Some women had low BETA numbers in the beginning, and went on to have healthy full term babies. I was holding out hope. Another 48 hours goes by, and I have another blood test. I spent the entire day praying in my head for the number to be doubled. 

Then I got the phone call. I could tell the tone in her voice wasn't good, and I tried to prepare myself. Not only did my numbers not increase, they decreased. 

I would go on to miscarry a few days later.

I didn't even get to be happy for a week.

My entire world was crashing down around me, and my husband. The person who shared in this as much as me, didn't even know I was pregnant..

I had to call him and tell him the amazing news, followed up with the crappy. 

Not only did I lose our little microscopic baby, but I now had to face the fact that I had to tell all the people I had told I was pregnant, that things changed.

Everyone tried to have the right things to say. But no one did. I just needed time.

While I realize that so many other things could have happened, and that this isn't the worst thing in the world. This was the worst thing in MY world.

I didn't even start to feel like myself again for two weeks. To be honest, I'm not even sure if I even feel like myself yet.

And now were back at that so familiar starting line again. Spencer deploys in a couple months, and we have one last chance to try again before he leaves.

Maybe this time will be our time. Maybe it wont. But what I do know is, I don't want to be alone in this anymore. This isn't a dirty little secret, or a ploy for attention. This is my life. And no matter how shitty it seems, its perfectly imperfect. And I love it.